HAPPY CANCERVERSARIES

Sentinel Dome, Yosemite July 2017

Less than 1 month before this photo, I completed 25 exhausting radiation treatments.

Four months before this photo, I had a bi-lateral mastectomy and removal of 5 lymph nodes.

Five months before this photo, I completed six grueling treatments of chemotherapy.

Nine months before this photo, chemotherapy began.

280 days before this photo I received my diagnosis.

As I am approaching a milestone this Friday, October 20th I am reflecting back to this time last year and how far I've come.  I look at this photo of myself and the list above and remember that there were times over the past year that I felt such despair ... that I would never again feel "on top of the world".  

And yet, not only have I had that feeling again but there's photographic proof that I was!

Historically speaking, milestones were stone markers used to measure distance traveled.  Today we use the term to mark an action or event that created a significant change or development. My cancer journey milestones aren't quite as high as the top of Sentinel Dome but each one certainly marks changes that occurred within me, both physically and mentally.

Like all cancer patients, my list of landmark days is many.  

I want to choose which day to celebrate my Cancerversary.  

The date of diagnosis?  The one year mark of that was October 3rd.  Many survivors count that day as their Cancerversary.  It makes sense.  That's the day you truly become a survivor .. the day it all begins.  But on October 3rd all I did was acknowledge the day out loud to Steve and we talked about what a horrible day that was.  I'm sure I reflected back in my mind but I didn't even journal about it.

Still.  It's an important date.

Here I come though ... upon a big day in my mind for milestones.  On October 20th it will be one year since I began chemotherapy.  From the moment chemo started, I couldn't wait for it to end.  I went neutropenic and ended up in the hospital for 3 days after the first treatment and I didn't feel like myself again for a long, long time.  Yes, I remained "me" I had a good attitude, a positive outlook, faith ... but there were some dark moments, dark days when I really wondered if I would ever hike to the top of a mountain again.  

On this October 20th I will be looking back at the previous year and feeling so much gratitude that I am where I am today.  

I will be so far away from that infusion chair.  I will call and wish one of my best friends a happy birthday.  I will embark on a long car trip with Steve, Tanner and Tallulah.  While Tanner tunes himself into a movie with headphones, I will chat with my husband, read my book, look through a magazine, listen to a podcast or my Audible book and take a deep breath every time Tanner interrupts me for a snack, the how-much-longer question, another snack, how-much-longer, how-much-longer, another movie, push play mom!, another snack please ..... until we arrive at our destination.

Where I will enjoy a weekend of connecting with one of the most wonderful women I know and attempt to connect with one of the greatest teenagers I know (I say attempt because he is a teenager and therefore is a type of alien creature).  We will go to Jamestown for Family Frights night, we will play and laugh and take walks and eat good food.  

It's inevitable that while I am doing all of these joyous things, where I was a year ago will be sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ear .. remember?  Oh yeah, I remember.  I'll never forget.  

I'll never forget to be grateful.  I'll never forget to be in the moment.  I'll never forget to live.  This is me ~ a work in progress.

When is my Cancerversary?  What is the date that I will use to say I am 20 years cancer free?

For me, there are 8 days of major milestones in this journey:  day of diagnosis, 1st day of chemo, last day of chemo, the day an ultrasound showed I was NED, my mastectomy surgery, last day of radiation ....

and the 2 dates that haven't happened yet:  last day of Herceptin treatment (NEXT WEEK - October 26th) and my implant surgery (I'll find out this date on Wednesday next week).

I am going to choose the date that resounds with me the most powerfully.  And I'm going to choose once I'm done with all of the treatments.  Because I am just.not.quite.there in my mind.  Not until my last treatment, not until my last surgery.

As Anne Lamott said, "Every single thing that happened to you is yours.  And you get to tell it."  

I get tell it.  I get to choose it.

Happy Cancerversaries to me.  

I'm happy to be here adding stones to my miles.

RADIATE LOVE

I wrote the following poem on March 30th.  15 days after my bilateral mastectomy and 42 days before my first day of radiation.


Let the Warrior do Her Job

The battle begins with a diagnosis.

Decisions are based on Worrier versus Warrior.

Sometimes there are no decisions to make.  You do what you are told.
The Worrier says whew.
The Warrior stands alert.  Greedy for a decision to make.
Owns it.

Always deep within, sometimes surfacing, I know I am going to live.
And I don't just mean with a beating heart.
The Worrier says is this false hope?  How long?
The Warrior blows up her hope balloon and protects it from the poison-dart arrows full of nope.
Shouts forever as her war cry.

To radiate or not to radiate.
The Warrior says Radiate.  Shine.  Illuminate.
The Worrier says that's not the kind of radiate I'm talking about here.

I visualize the war paint covering my worry lines.
I am Colorful.  Fierce.  Unafraid.
Let that painted girl make the decisions.

Let the Warrior do her job.


2 weeks ago today was a day of celebration.  I rang the bell to celebrate my last radiation treatment. It began on May 11th and I had been going every morning (Monday through Friday) for 5 weeks.  A total of 25 treatments.

7 weeks ago I felt resigned, full of dread, fear, uncertainty, sadness ... but ready.  Because something you don't want to be happening can't end until it begins, ya know?

2 weeks ago today I felt elated.  Like I could fly!  FREEDOM.  

Some super sweet ladies right here - they were with me for 5 weeks.  It's an intimate situation and these ladies made me feel comfortable and like was a friend.  Is it weird to say that I miss them?

And TODAY?  Today I feel so light and bright!  I got my little bit of hair highlighted this morning and I cannot stop smiling!  I can't wait to pick up Tanner from camp today so that he can see that Mommy's hair is no longer "black" and back to "golden."

The amazing Nicole ... hairstylist and friend.  I've missed her these past few months!

Lightened up hair and soul

I want to address why I got radiation.  I've had friends/family/acquaintances ask me over the last couple of months, why radiation?  You've done so much:  chemo, mastectomy.  Do you have to do this?  

The standard recommendation for me (Stage III, HER-2 positive breast cancer) was to complete a minimum of 5 weeks (I was originally told 6 weeks but  was told 5 would be enough as I was doing so well) of radiation therapy.  The only way for me to really avoid this was to agree to a clinical trial in which I would have a 50/50 chance of either not getting radiation or proceed with radiation and be monitored for a minimum of 10 years.  This is a relatively new study with no results yet.  Obviously, what is being researched is are they doing too much?  Can someone like me have the same results of no recurrence of cancer if they do not get radiation?  I think this is a wonderful trial and I wish so so so much love and respect and positive results to the brave souls who have agreed to the trial.  Not to say that I'm not brave or that those of us who chose not to do the trial aren't brave.  Because, we totally are.  To face radiation and the short term and possible long term side effects .. takes many deep breaths (literally) and faith and bravery.  

I chose not to be a part of the trial and the chance of avoiding radiation because if cancer were to show back up in my lymph nodes someday, it is difficult at this time to treat with chemotherapy.  And, I had to go back to my mantra of the goal being to live as long as possible.  For me, in my mind, radiation was a fit to help me reach that goal.

Ok, so ... how am I doing?  Good.  My radiation oncologist says I did GREAT.  She was very pleased.  I was so red.  Oh my gosh ... it was like a super bad sunburn in the areas where I was given treatment.  I couldn't stand to have a bra on up until this week and didn't even feel comfortable having my right arm down by my side for awhile.  I was a little itchy which I noticed most at night when I was trying to sleep (I know right?!)  It was no fun but it could have been worse.  Before I started, my oncologist warned me that she thought because of my fair skin and the skin sensitivities I have developed because of chemo that I would have some problems.  Like really bad burns and/or blistering.  She said it would most likely happen to me and that she would be able to give me 1 or 2 days off (still have to make those up though).  But guess what people?  That didn't happen to me!  Yay me!  

Mentally, I am well today.  You notice how I put in there "today."  Today is great day because radiation is over, my hair is highlighted, I'm going on vacation!  I had a pretty emotional week during the last week of radiation.  For the first time since it had begun I was in my head a lot while laying on the table for treatment.  That week I felt like I could crumple on the floor and cry for awhile.  I guess all of that emotion is because I knew the end was near?  There's a lot that psychologically goes on for cancer patients and obviously everyone deals with it in their own way.  I haven't even delved into what all of this means for me yet.  My radiation oncologist is an amazing woman and she talked to Steve and I a bit more on this topic when we saw her for the last time.  I'll save that for another blog topic at a later date.

What now?  Now, I get to go away on vacation for 11 days.  Do you know what this means?!? I get to have 11 days IN.A.ROW. with no doctor appointments or treatments of any kind.  I have not had this kind of freedom for 9 months.  To say I am excited is an understatement!!  (The day after I get back I have infusion and a boob pump up .. so, nothing like reality when we get back BUT .. did I mention I get 11 days off in a row?!?!) LOL.  

I will continue to get my Herceptin chemo treatments every 3 weeks until the end of October.  (Yes, another bell ringing in my future).  I will get my breast implants sometime between October - December and then finally I will have my surgery to have my port removed sometime not long after Herceptin ends.  Can anyone say HELLO 2018????

In the meantime, I am healing.  Focused on health in all forms.  Focused on my boy, my Steve, my family, my friends ... LIFE.  

I'm going out in the world and radiating -- love.  

 

WHAT IS IT WITH THE EVE'S?  ~ or ~ MASTECTOMY EVE

The last time I blogged it was Chemo Eve.  And now it's Mastectomy Eve.  I swear I don't plan it this way on purpose.  I guess what's going on here is that I wait until something super important is happening before blogging.  Or I think what's really going on here is that I've been busy and haven't made blogging a priority but I want to blog before I have surgery tomorrow.  Yeah, I think that's more like it.

I have been feeling really great these last couple of weeks!  It has been SO GOOD to feel good.  I have been out walking a lot and getting my strength back up, eating super healthy foods that I LOVE and enjoying the rejuvenation of my taste buds (thank goodness!) and my appetite.  And of course, enjoying quality time with Tanner and Steve and my family and friends.  This past week wasn't as fun of a week as it was busy with doctors appointments and preparing for surgery and the recovery period.  But overall, I have really been enjoying NO CHEMO.

Here are some photos of what I've been up to:

 The morning of my last chemo on February 9th.  Tanner loves my pink wig!

Some of my best girls came to visit me at last-chemo-day.  So much love!

Ringing the bell at the infusion center to celebrate Chemo graduation

Me and my honey .. such a relief for us to be done with this part of the journey

Tanner and I enjoyed a walk to the river on one of our many amazingly gorgeous February days

Our first trip to Great Wolf Lodge as an early birthday present for Tanner.  Cute wolf ears Tan Man!

Slides and wave pool, slides and wave, slides and wave pool all.day.long for 2 days!  FUN!

Don't worry Great Wolf Lodge, I'm sure we will be back

We loved our trip to Williamsburg visiting Mishie and Bryan.  

Here we are on our favorite walk to the beautiful James River.

My long-time friend Sherry (3rd from left), surprised me last week with all of these great friends for lunch!  I thought I was just meeting her but she arranged for these ladies to come too.  I was SO surprised and happy.  Love you Sherry (and you too Dawn, Heidi, Kim & Sharyn)

Tanner turned 6!  Birthday breakfast:  eggs, potato cake, bacon, toast 

AND whipped cream on the side "because it's my birthday!"

My big boy!

Here we are at home for the family birthday party.  The next day we took Tanner and some friends to see The Lego Batman movie and then had them over for play time and cake.  

Yes, Tanner had many cakes for his 6th birthday!

Look at those cheeks!  I've loved them for over 6 years now.  They are delicious.

Sorry folks, there is no photo to go along with this caption:

I've also spent copious amounts of time staring at my skull in my light up magnifier mirror looking for hair growth. There's some ... tiny, tiny but something is happening!  

So I'm getting really tired right now and still have quite a few things I want to do before bed so I just want to say a little bit about the mastectomy.

Some have been surprised to hear I'm having this surgery after I was declared "no evidence of disease" from the ultrasound I had the day after my last chemo.  No doubt, this was awesome news!  But it didn't mean that I was going to be free from having surgery and radiation.  

I was given the option to have a lumpectomy but after a lot of consideration, I decided that having a mastectomy is the best choice for me personally.  Major factors are that there was something that was missed by the surgeon at the beginning of this journey that should of been clipped.  A spot that was seen on MRI that didn't get a chance to be biopsied and clipped.  It disappeared after my first chemo but it technically should of been monitored.  It bothers me to this day that it wasn't clipped like the original tumor in the breast and the affected lymph node.  If I had a lumpectomy, I would have to have MRI's every 6 months for who knows how long.  I don't want to deal with the anxiety of MRI's every 6 months ... no thanks.  Also, my genetics testing came back wonky (more explantation on this later.  It deserves it's own blog post).

Tomorrow I will have a bi-lateral mastectomy with expanders put in.  My breast surgeon will perform the mastectomy and the sentinel node biopsy and then my reconstruction surgeon will put in the expanders that are needed for breast reconstruction.  It will be approximately a 4 - 4 1/2 hour surgery and I will stay one night in the hospital.  I have a whole list of restrictions for the next 2 weeks and should be feeling pretty good and healing well after 4 weeks.  I will begin radiation 4-6 weeks after surgery .... Maybe my next post will be RADIATION EVE.  lol.  no, seriously .. I will post before then. I think.

How am I feeling right now?  A little anxious to be honest.  Not scared.  Just a little anxious about not being able to eat or drink tomorrow (my surgery isn't until 12:30), being under anesthesia for so long, missing Tanner tomorrow night and the overall time of recovery from this.  It's hard because I've been on such an upswing the past 3 weeks making it hard to wrap my head around being "a patient" again.  BUT .. it won't be as bad as going through chemo, that's for sure and I know I'll come out on the other side boob-less but all the more bad-ass for going through it - hell yes!  And September --- I'm lookin' at you baby - new boobs month!!

Until next time .. wish me luck, love, prayers, thoughts -- all the good stuff for tomorrow.

Love, from me to you.

CHEMO EVE

CHEMO EVE

It's Chemo Eve of my 5th treatment and I am sitting here pondering what to write about.  Apologize for taking so long to make a post?  (Sorry)  Tell you all the weird side effects I feel from going through 4 treatments? (Nah)  Tell you how freakin' excited I am that I see the light at the end of the tunnel because I have 2 treatments left?  (SUPER FREAKIN' EXCITED!!!!!) 

There.  Post done.

jk

So, tomorrow I go for round 5 of 6.  My 6th and (*hopefully) last round of the Big 4 will be on February 9th.  I looovveee February 9th!  

*I say hopefully because I can only assume at this point that I will have an MRI soon following that last treatment to confirm that the tumors have either shrunk enough or disappeared entirely to allow me to move forward with the next step of surgery.  IF, for some weird reason they haven't ... I don't know what the docs recommend.  And I believe I won't need to know because I feel strongly that mine are going to be completely and totally GONE.  

Let's just plan on party-time for February 9th, o.k.?  

Last week I had the honor of participating in a "Pampering Day" event at the Wellness House of Annapolis.  The Wellness House is an amazing place where cancer patients (and their caregivers) can learn coping skills while dealing with the effects of cancer.  They offer support groups, health & well-being programs (yoga, massage, Reiki, etc), educational programs and fun events and activities.  So far I have attended a nutritional seminar, a day of beauty, the pampering day and have had a few Reiki sessions.  It's a wonderful place and I feel fortunate to live so close to this resource - I wish that all people going through this journey of cancer could benefit from having a place like this close to them.

Back in October my brother-in-law gave me a newspaper article from their local paper (in Pennsylvania) about an artist in that area who does henna tattoos on the bald heads of patients going through chemotherapy.  My sister-in-law said something along the lines of "I don't know what you're going to think of this .. it's pretty out there but we brought you the article anyway."  I thought it was fantastic and wished that the artist was in my area because I knew that I would love to have that done.    Fast forward to my first time touring the Wellness House where I saw a framed photo on the wall of an artist doing henna tattoo on a bald head.  I asked about it and said that this is something I would really like to have done.  I was told that they have a connection with a local artist that does it and they would be happy to connect us.  In fact, they were thinking of having their first ever Pampering Day event in January and wouldn't it be great if henna tattoo could be a part of that.  I said YES! It would be great and I would love to have it done.  

Fast forward to January 13th ... to Pampering Day and my first ever henna tattoo on my HEAD.  I was one of three people who got one that day.  It's takes about an hour total and it was a one of the most relaxing and anticipatory hours of my life.  The artist's name is Christalene and not only does she have an Australian accent which was lovely to listen to, but she is also a lovely person from her soul outward.  She's one of those people who you can't help but connect to.  The whole experience was just .... magical.  I got to see nothing of what she was doing until the whole thing was complete.  It was so fantastic.  I felt like I looked like someone getting ready to be in a movie.  As what, I'm not sure!  Some kind of wise princess or goddess or something, ha ha!

She asked me for one word

The inspirational artist, Christalene and me

 Tanner checking me out.  He was speechless and then just uttered one word ... "cool"

You never know what I'm going to get into next .... but it will be pretty hard to top this one!  Stay tuned .... I am determined to write another post much sooner this time.  I want to share what I've learned from my genetics testing.  Next time!